Save a slice for me

Though I’m not too unhappy with the interest level in my blog, (of which I was pleasantly reminded) it took me days to recover from being accused on multiple occasions of questionable sexual orientation after last week’s post by my illustrious readership. Thanks readership, what can I ever do to re-pay such gratitude and appreciation? How about this: you are all invited to a gathering at my house with special guests Terrell Owens and Jeff Garcia. We’ll all discuss this beautiful bed and breakfast I’m opening - just kidding.

I was also blessed with other accusations from readers including (but not limited to) being overly cynical, having “fisherman’s complex” and last but certainly not least, being a “cake eater”. So please excuse my ignorance, but what the frick is a cake eater? This is certainly a new one on me. Am I going to have to wipe the week’s worth of collected dust form the old Urban Dictionary? You’re damn right I am.

The Urban Dictionary gave several definitions of cake eater ranging drastically in meaning, but my favorite goes as follows:

One who wants to have their cake and eat it too. This person does not necessarily have to be rich to fall into this category [although usually is]. It is reserved for whiney people that can't make up their minds or understand why "life has to be so hard".

The hypothetical dialogue from a cake-eater and a non-cake eater offered by the Urban Dictionary gives substance to the meaning.

Cake eater: "Why am I so unhappy? I just don't know what I want, why does life have to be so hard?"

Realistic person: "Grow the fuck up and take some responsibility for your life you fucking cake eater!"

Ahhhh, the beautiful things people say about one another just makes me feel so great about our World. And this term hits particularly close to home in the Vail Valley because we have more cake eaters than a Jenny Craig Christmas party.

The term cake eater actually originated from Minnesota where people from a particular wealthy suburb were referred to as such because of their uppity attitudes and the perception that they ate cake for breakfast and then got in their BMWs to go to their less than satisfying jobs while all the common folk ate stale Cheerios and rode the bus. It was popularized in the film Mighty Ducks, which was filmed in Minnesota, when Terry used the term when describing an over-privileged teammate.

I will admit that its pretty annoying to listen to someone of obvious privilege bitch and complain about their life, and now with this addition to my vocabulary I’ll probably throw the term around when I hear someone whine about the hard snow conditions at Vail and then hop in their Hummer and ride back to their five bedroom three and a half bath in Arrowhead. However, when their birthday rolls around, I’ll cut the first slice for them - and the next one for me.


Put the icing on this one and email John Poole at poolejohn@gmail.com

An addition to your vocabulary

I was invited to a party today.

And if that in and of itself isn’t reason enough to celebrate, I probably won’t be able to put my socially deprived finger on what exactly is. But it really wasn’t the unexpected validation of a semi-existent social life that piqued my interest - it was the content of the Evite dialogue that got me thinking.

The invitation read like this, “As always, friends, family, significant others, HLPs, etc. are welcome.”

Ok, I’m pretty sure I know what friends and family are, and I’m even rather certain about significant others, but HLPs? At first, I drew an absolute blank. My initial conclusions were nothing short of pathetic.

Hip-Livin’ Posse?

Horrendously Long Phriendship? (For you Phish fans out there)

Happenin’ and Lively Peeps?

No, no, and no. An HLP is a Heterosexual Life Partner. And what is a Heterosexual Life Partner you most certainly ask? According to the “Urban Dictionary” an HLP is defined as follows:

Two persons of the same gender who are best friends and commit to spend their lives together, yet never engage in any type of homosexual relations with one another.

Some notable HLPs are of course, Jay and Silent Bob, Beavis and Butthead, Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel, Cheech and Chong (along with the bong pipe), Beto and Raul, Pace and Baier, and I’m going to throw in Molder and Scully even though they break the same gender rule just because the X-Files was the last show I could tolerate on television.

And there you have it - an HLP is no longer a mystery to you or me. So, after rolling this bit of newfound information around in my mind for a while I came to the painful conclusion that I have an HLP! The only exception is the commitment part - evidently commitment phobia transcends romantic and non-romantic relationships. How cool.

He would be incredibly irate if he knew I was publishing this to the free and un-free world today, but it’s ok, because he doesn’t read my blogs anyway. Shhhhhh.

So what’s up with this new HLP thing? It has to be a relatively modern phenomenon. I don’t think there were too many people going to discos in 1975 with their HLP. John Travolta would certainly have not stood for that. But now, hell, we’ll do anything with an HLP. Well, almost anything.

I think, nowadays, people don’t feel like getting married as much. We grow up with divorce rate statistics in our head and they ring like hyperactive church bells at the first sign of dysfunction in a relationship. It’s so much easier to have an HLP with whom to share rent, experiences, bad days, good days, rented movies and the occasional gallon of 2% milk. And in the event of divorce, you don’t lose half your worldly possessions (although you may have to take the gas grille instead of the people swallowing couch, or vise versa).

Plus, for some reason they don't seem to mind as much when you have a headache.


Hack into your HLP’s email account and write to John Poole at poolejohn@gmail.com

What's a legume?

Do you ever run into someone you know at the grocery store? Of course you do. And as I’m sure you know, the experience is always just slightly less than spectacular. If it’s just an acquaintance you may just give a light “hello” and go on with your grocery gathering, hoping they don’t slow down their cart in anticipation of conversation. Or perhaps you see someone you know rather well, or worse used to know rather well. In this situation you better pull the emergency brake on the ‘ol rattle wheel Cadillac and nestle in for a long grocery store conversation. And I don’t want anyone to deny ever pulling the “duck into the nearest god forsaken aisle” move in an effort to avoid small-talk. This move is particularly distressing because you then have to walk around tense with anxiety and fear of this person popping up next to you in the self-checkout. If this occurs just pop an Ativan that you just picked up at the pharmacy and enjoy the ride.

“I thought that was you! You kinda ducked into the dog food aisle back there, I never knew you as much of an animal person. What kind of pets do you have?”

“Ahhhhh, well I was kind of just browsing the aisle. My girlfriend has a few dogs and a couple cats and it’s really weird what they put in pet food these days. I heard that grocery store pet foods were bad for our little buddies so that’s why I didn’t get any.”

“You have a girlfriend?”

So grocery store conversations can get pretty bad for sure, but if you somehow weasel your way out of one with a little, “I think the deli’s gonna close soon,” or, “Did I just hear them call a super saver special in aisle 5?”, you’re in the clear, right? Unfortunately, not. The crazy thing about a grocery store is that to see someone just once in a trip is rather unlikely. Crazy huh? You’re bound to run into them again as you wander around. So what do you say when you see them for the second time after you’ve already had a delightful chat.

“Hey, stop following’ me, he he he.”

Or how about my personal favorite, “Prices aren’t what they used to be in here, ya know?” You gotta say something that people don’t really want to respond to. It ain’t easy.

I’ve always heard that the grocery store is a good place to meet people. You know, like “meet” people. I don’t buy this. Personally, I’ve never spoken to anybody I didn’t know at the grocery store besides the lunch meat slicer, the check-out clerk, and the occasional fish guy. So what would your line be to an attractive stranger at the meat market (no pun of course)?

“Have you ever tried the asparagus here?” Always a winner.

Or, “Do you know the difference between romaine and red-leaf lettuce?” Like anybody knows that one.

Of course you could go for the home run with, “Maybe we could push our carts over to my place and boil some potatoes.” That’s a good one right?

So the next time you see an old mate in the grocery store, be nice, say hello, maybe even complain about the price of wheat bread, but whatever you do, keep the frickin’ cart moving.


Duck into the cosmetics aisle and email John Poole at poolejohn@gmail.com

Give Dorks a Chance

In a desperate attempt to entertain myself last night, I resorted to an activity shared by many, but I believe enjoyed by few - channel flipping. Channel flipping is kind of like running from an ax-murderer. You keep running faster and faster, you’re breathing hard and harder (ok, maybe that’s just me), and finally you get nowhere except on the wrong side of a previously bloodied death tool.

For me, that ax landed sharply on my forehead at the CW Network. In an attempt have two wrongs make a right, The CW is the love child of a vicious merger between The UPN and The WB networks . I’m guessing that CW stands for the two owners of the network - CBS Corporation and Warner Bros. Entertainment, but who the hell knows or cares? And I don’t think “Dawson‘s Creek” made the cut.

Anyway, I was lucky enough to hit the CW on undoubtedly their best show of the week - “Beauty and the Geek”. That’s right folks, we have now reached the pinnacle of performance for reality television, and if it weren’t for Real World Denver, things wouldn’t be looking so bad for the world of reality TV. We don’t have to lie in bed at night longing for the days of “Survivor” and “Big Brother”. Ok, maybe it’s not that good, but it sure beats trudging through an overly dramatic episode of “Grey’s Anatomy”.

So if you haven’t had the pleasure of watching this masterful brain-child of Ashton Kutcher, I’ll give you a quick overview of what BATG has to offer. Basically, the show starts with eight beauties and eight geeks. The beauties range from a hot voice teacher to a former Hooter’s waitress. The geeks consist of an M.I.T. graduate and yep, you guessed it, a virgin. Each beauty is paired exclusively with a respective geek. The beauties go through exercises that challenge their wits, like acting as tour guides for museum visitors, while the geeks do things that cool, slick dudes could pull off, like playing strip poker. Each week a couple gets voted off on the basis of performance.

The highlight of last night’s episode was a challenge for the beauties to interview Stephen Dubner, a co-author for the best selling book, “Freakonomics”. The model beauty gave a pathetic and painful attempt at reading from a tele-prompter and discussing the contents of the book she had never seen before. After the interview her geek (the virgin) was in no way congratulating or supportive. A behind the scenes conversation between the model and the virgin show the beauty angry at her little dork, and crying at the lack of support. The geek responded with asking her why she didn’t study harder. This scene of a beautiful woman seeking approval from a geek was perverse, but in a strange way touching.

I guess the glimmer of hope that a geek will actually hook up with a beauty by the end of the show keeps folks coming back for more. Since BATG was the highest rated show on television last Wednesday, it looks like there is a special place in the heart of America for dorks in search of love. I know I’ll be tuning in.


Tell John Poole how many tears you shed in the last episode of “Beauty and the Geek” at poolejohn@gmail.com.

Kickin' it - yet again

I bet you didn’t think we’d ever make it…..to 2007 of course.

Remember when it turned 1987 or 1997? At that time (those times) thinking about 2007 was like trying to fathom the size of the universe. I suppose it would be similar to thinking now about what things will be like in 2017. I’d rather think about the size of the universe.

Anyway, before I get into the blood and guts of this post I need to complain briefly about New Years Eve. Not this particular New Year’s Eve, but the night in general. It’s often proclaimed as the best party night of the year, but I’d like to re-classify it (while I make up words) as the anti-party of the year. If you feel like having a good time for an evening during the year, don’t pick New Year’s Eve. Pick a normal night where people do normal things that don‘t involve going to overpriced bars drinking to oblivion. That’s not normal - is it?

So if you’ve been following my posts since last January (like I even have to ask), you would have seen my cheery discussion, in top-ten list form, of what to be happy about in 2006 with the marvelous title of “Kickin’ it in ‘06”. Why not continue the tradition? So without further adieu, let’s take a journey into the top ten things to be happy about in 2007.

10. Though fears of the apocalypse continue with all the weird weather going on, Denver International Airport was able to function somewhat normally after the second consecutive major snow storm on back-to-back holiday weekends proving that they may in fact be able to handle weather that is quite probable for Colorado.

9. George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, and Harrison Ford will reunite to begin production of the fourth Indiana Jones flick. As long as the hat still fits, it will work out pretty well.

8. The US stock market broke record after record in 2006 meaning that 2007 will be….uhhh good?

7. At some point during 2007 technology will debut that allows you to surf the web in your car. Is this really where we want to go? I guess so.

6. The housing bubble remains un-popped (though possibly deflating), so we can at least be happy that street rioting has yet to begin among high-end home-owners.

5. I actually don’t have Geico car insurance but their commercials are the best on television. I could watch that one with the caveman in the therapist’s office everyday of the new year - thanks to You Tube of course.

4. You can pretend you’re a special agent who has an uncanny knack of seducing woman all year long because the last three digits of the year are 007. It’s worth a try I guess.

3. It still snows in Colorado.

2. Allen Iverson has brought Denver “The Answer” as well as one of the greatest athletes to ever rock the corn rows. A.I. and “Mello” will turn the Mile High City into a frenzy of basketball enthusiasts….err, something like that.


Break out that snare drum from last year.....


1. Though our illustrious political administration still refuses to implement policies to curb greenhouse gas emissions, 2006 may go down in history as the year the World got serious about climate change. A recent AP poll found that 70% of Americans expect global warming to worsen next year. Another recent report by the McKinsey Global Institute finds that worldwide energy consumption could be cut by more that half over the next fifteen years with technologies and practices that already exist. James Bond can make it happen - let’s see it 007.



Send John Poole your top-ten favorite blog postings at poolejohn@gmail.com.