Older but wiser

There comes a point in life when you hit a turning point. A point where you leave the old behind and embrace the new. It isn't the same for all parts of life, but for everything you do, there comes a time when you realize you can no longer do it as well as you used to. This is not always easy to swallow. The word "never" comes up, and the thought of "never" or "ever" or "ever again" is difficult. There may be a tendency to dismiss this unpleasant thought and insist that you can still do things like before. Maybe this is why Jerry Rice spent the twilight of his career playing second fiddle for mediocre football teams, or why Michael Jordan returned for a lackluster showing in Washington after retiring. Maybe this is why men cheat on their wives, or why I try to drink beer with my younger brother and end up in a face-down spread eagle on the kitchen floor.

Whether the "I can still do this" sentiment causes all this stuff or not, it definitely drives behavior in some way. I am living, breathing (and limping) proof of that right now. On Saturday morning in a swell of self-confidence and denial of my mortality, I decided to brave the terrain park at Arapahoe Basin. They shouldn't even let people over 24 years old in those things. Kids are lucky to walk away from the iced-over tabletop jumps, let alone aging weekend warriors with inflated egos.

I've never been a big fan of the terrain park. They're too hard, too slick, and damn-it, too dangerous. Nevertheless, I'm a man and I can do anything. I launched the first table-top after a 100-yard tuck that even a liquored up Bode Miller wouldn't do. I've always been afraid of not clearing the perfectly flat "table" portion of the jump, so I errored on the conservative side, by ironically going faster and bigger. I not only cleared the table-top, but the sloped landing area as well. I hit the flat portion of the hill with a smack that was heard from Gypsum to the Kansas state line.

Now that my left knee, is a useless joint filled with mangled ligament, I can safely say that my terrain park days are finally behind me. It's on to bigger and better - albeit, not on the ski hill.

I Fought the Law and.....

The law won.

Well, I can't actually say the fat lady has sung just yet, but she's filling up her monstrous lungs and preparing to belt out a high E that would turn your grandmother's china set into a pile of shattered porcelain.

A couple of months ago I was written a parking ticket. I did not happen to agree with this particular charge so I decided to politely contest. Granted, I didn't do it in the timeliest manner, but timeliness of contention doesn't affect the circumstances of the case - correct? I set up a friendly meeting with the Vail court and dreamed of eloquently presenting my dramatic case to the venerable overseer of the courtroom.

Ok, so maybe it wouldn't be a scene from "A Few Good Men", but those people on Judge Judy seem pretty cool sometimes.

I set the court date about a month ago and on Thursday morning a co-worker happened to ask me how my parking ticket situation was going.

Oh shit.

I flew to my trusted Microsoft Outlook calender and saw the court date was set for that very day. But what time? It was already about 10 am when I called the court to ask the time of my "trial". It wasn't until 2:30.

I wiped the sweat off my scrunched brow and actually felt kind of good about myself for averting yet another tragedy brought on by absent-minded negligence.

I got back to work with thoughts of courtroom strategy and loud screams of "Objection!" firing through my head.

I suppose my imagination ran a little ramped. At 4:30 another co-worked asked me how my court appearance went.

Oh shit.

I realized at that moment that it's kind of difficult to command a courtroom and persuasively seduce the judge into favorable decisions - from my office desk chair. I went from having a harmless parking ticket to allegedly having a warrant out for my arrest.

I starting thinking that maybe a little jail time is something I could use to straighten me out a bit. I wouldn't really have any schedules to meet or obligations to live up to. I'm sure my blog would be full of interesting posts about other inmates and prison gang initiation rituals. I'd get all of this while being served three square meals a day. For a brief moment - it seemed almost luxurious.

I called the court the next morning and they set me a new court date at which I would report for the parking ticket as well as a failure to appear charge. I guess I'll have some explaining to do.

I think I'll tie a string around my finger for that one.

Another Lovely Holiday

Ahhhhh, its another year and another Valentine's Day. And what a day it is - a day where we put undue pressure on ourselves to celebrate our love life or wallow in our pathetic loneliness - neither of which is overly positive. However, the cynic in me will come out and tout corporate America for marketing the hell out of V-day and making quite a killing.

I've never really liked V-day (if you couldn't tell), and contrary to popular belief it isn't because I've been on the single side of the fence for the past few. The reason I don't like it is because its not only useless - but counterproductive. You either make couples feel like they must have some magical night (which of course is impossible), or make single girls get drunk and eat a quart and a half of Ben and Jerry's. Who needs any of the that?

Single men of course will opt for the self-punishment route of watching a basketball game alone and then calling up their favorite porno websites, all-the-while internally begging themselves to be more aggressive with women between now and next February 14 (because of course aggressive behavior is the only way to get chicks).

I once proposed a group called the NAEVD (pronounce "naved") - The National Association for the Eradication of Valentines Day. We didn't quite get off the ground. I mentioned it to a few people and they looked at me like I was Jeffrey Dahmer. In fact, I think they would have been a little more receptive to a friendly Jeffrey Dahmer than an opinionated non-human eater proposing the eradication of Valentine's Day.

Regardless, I still wouldn't mind a shift. Maybe we could make it a friendship day. Where everyone holds hands (while singing Kumbaya) and celebrates all the positive relationships in their life (romantic or otherwise). We could still buy cards, candies, Ben and Jerry's, and flowers. Why the hell not?

Ah screw it, the Sixers are playing Tuesday night and I've got an internet connection running faster than ever.

We Ironically present - The Rolling Stones

So the legendary Rolling stones rocked the Super Bowl halftime show in the middle of an anticlimactic close to another season of the actual American pastime. Keith Richards returned from the the dead to perform a few classics with old Mick and the boyz. Jagger looked good, the rest of the stones looked - well, bad. However, they jammed. Besides sounding out of tune and dealing with a poor sound system, they seemed energetic and happy to be there.

I've got one problem: How can they possibly play "Satisfaction" - an accepted criticism of manipulative advertising during the most manipulative of advertising events. Jagger belted his usual chorus of :

When I'm driving in my car
and the man comes on the radio
he's telling me more and more
about some useless information
supposed to drive my imagination
I can't get no....

Jagger continued his banter with:

When I'm watchin' my TV and that man comes on to tell me
how white my shirts can be
Well he can't be a man 'cause he doesn't smoke
the same cigarettes as me
I can't get no.....

What's the deal Mick? Your most famous song obviously takes shots at the whole reason for the Super Bowl being what it is. Hell, maybe they should have cut to commercial break in the middle of the song and pick it back up after making about $10 million.

I could have done a little better with "Get off of my Cloud", or "Ruby Tuesday".

I can't get no.....