Thank you for being my classmates

Though I typically don’t make the exhausting trip to the east coast for the Thanksgiving holiday, this year was a bit different. I decided to battle the security lines of home-goers in an effort to make a rare appearance at the family Thanksgiving dinner and attend my (gulp) ten year high school reunion. That’s right, it’s been ten years since I drove an ‘86 Honda and drank Milwaukee’s Best Ice (The Beast) in parking lots of concerts with the hatchback propped up. And since I haven’t seen the great majority of my graduating class in ten years (ok, I stalked a few on My Space), I figured the night would be nothing short of interesting.

I told a couple of people at work that I was going to my high school reunion and they replied almost in unison, “You look like a high school reunion guy.” What the hell does that mean?

I don’t think many people are really into seeing the folks that thought they were so much cooler than everyone else ten years ago. This was evident by the relatively low turn-out (about 25%). However the folks that showed were pretty cool and the experience was, as I expected, interesting.

I was just waiting for some lines like, “I hope my Porsche is OK in the parking lot,” or “I usually don’t come to places like this,” but fortunately it wasn’t that kind of scene. Most people at least pretended to care about what was going on in the lives of their former classmates. This could be chalked up to good ol’ fashioned bullshit, but I think there was actually an element of sincerity involved.

At the ten year reunion you can put people in one of two categories: Married Folk, and Single Folk, and there are noticeable differences between the two. The Married Folk took a reserved and conservative approach by politely introducing their spouses while the Single Folk took a little more of an outgoing and social angle. Neither of the two groups seemed noticeably happier than the other, and I think this is probably true - life can be a bitch regardless. However, the open bar did put many smiles on people’s faces by the end of the night.

I did get a couple of the old, “You married?”

“Nahhhh”
“You got a girlfriend?”
“Well……”

This wasn’t the most pleasant of conversations.

Not so surprisingly, my grandmother hit me up with the same question on Thanksgiving, “How old are you now?”

“Twenty-eight”
“It’s time.”

So maybe on Thanksgiving weekend of my twenty year reunion, the “time” will have come and gone and I’ll be able to answer the typical questions with a little more ease. But really, who cares - they’ll have an open bar for sure.


Tell John Poole "what you've been up to for the past ten years" at poolejohn@gmail.com

Hurt So Good

Back, oh I don’t know, a long time ago, a guy named Sigmund Freud came up with the Pleasure-Principle. Simply stated, this psychological theory claims that people have a tendency to move toward pleasure and away from pain - and I always thought it was just another song by Janet Jackson. So by this rational, we would all rather watch consecutive Simpson’s episodes and eat Ben and Jerry’s ice cream with a chocolate covered pretzel than mop the floor and (god forbid) clean out the refrigerator. Ok, so I guess Sigmund spoke a little bit of truth in that we would rather do these more pleasant activities, however, we don’t. Why Siggy? Why?

It’s because everyone in the world would call us a lazy and pathetic waste of space. And really, after the tenth quart of Phish Phood it might be getting just a tad bit old.

In my ignorant opinion of psychology, I have recently defied Mr. Freud’s assessment of human behavior. I committed to do one of the most painful of human activities. I signed up for an Olympic triathlon.

An Olympic triathlon consists of a 1.5 kilometer swim, a 40 kilometer bike ride, and a 10 kilometer run. For the metric illiterate that’s .93 miles, 24.8 miles, and 6.2 miles respectively. (This is of course far different from the venerable Iron Man Triathlon that boasts a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, and 26.2 mile full marathon, not to mention a full roll-over in the grave of Sigmund Freud.)

So after planning a date and spending a significant sum of money on throwing myself into the claws of pain, I decided it was time to start training. Running has always been my choice of exercise, so I’m not too worried about that. For years I’ve been rocking out to cheesy punk music on my MP3 player while jogging dangerously close to oncoming traffic. I bought a road bike last year that is more efficient than any mechanical device I’ve ever encountered; I’ve broken more of a sweat driving a car without power steering.

So it looks like I’ve got two out of three down, but this swim thing might be a bit tough - I’ve never been much of an aquatic guy. I actually hate cold water - I’m considering asking if they’ll let me “get used” to the water temperature before I start the race. You think that will work?

After wading my way into the heated indoor pool I began my first swim training session deciding to start with one of those kickboard things after seeing someone else doing it. I grabbed that damn board and started kicking my feet like a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest (not a great analogy, but I couldn’t resist). The result of my swimming technique that resembled a prolonged muscle spasm was surprisingly nothing. That’s right, I didn’t go frickin’ anywhere. I kicked harder - nothing. I kicked faster - nothing. I think the lifeguard was up out of his chair (you know it’s bad) when I decided to reassess the situation and devise a new plan. I took the conventional route of using my arms as well as my legs and eventually made a frantic, exhausted appearance at the other end of the pool with my delirious mind bordering on hallucination.

Let the fun begin.


Swim, bike, or run over to your computer and email John Poole at poolejohn@gmail.com.

Is The BCS a bunch of BS?

What is the most exciting month in sports? Perhaps it is October with the Major League Baseball playoffs, or June with NBA playoffs. You may get juiced up in January with the NFL playoffs, and there is even a small chance that the month of NHL playoffs gets your heart pumping as if a one hundred mile per hour slap shot is heading straight for your facemask. And though I'd rather get hit in the face with a screaming hocky puck than watch the NHL playoffs, the most exciting month in sports is March and the NCAA basketball tournament. The NCAA tournament is a display of raw youthful athletics. The enthusiasm and competitiveness rivals that of any organized sporting event and with 64 teams (ah-hem, 65), the excitement is unmatched. So why am I ranting about the NCAA tournament and how March is the most exciting month of the year in the middle of November? Well, it’s because I’m sick and damn tired of college football.

To me, college football is a week after week display of exhibitions. Sure, there is the occasional dramatic upset that ends in a goalpost or two hitting the ground, but most games I watch are blowouts that don’t mean anything in the first place. Having not gone to a football powerhouse school, I don’t get grand satisfaction out of watching my alma mater beat the crap out of Middle Tennessee St. And really, what are we striving for in college football? A BCS bowl? Big deal. Oh wait, maybe your team will be mathematically calculated as one of the top two teams in the country, and you’ll play for the National Championship. And if you win you’ll be the undisputed National Champion provided of course the Coaches and Associated Press agree.

This BCS deal is nonsense that needs to stop. The only reason people are putting up with it is because there is so much damn loyalty to the system.

So tell me one thing - why can’t we have a playoff system? C’mon, it ain’t brain surgery. You take the top eight teams from your magical formula that decides rankings and play a three round tournament that will (what d’ya know) end right around the same time the National Championship game is held now. Sure, there will be dispute about the last team or two in the tournament, but who cares, they won’t win anyway. Anything’s better than what we have now where Rutgers and Boise St. could go undefeated and still not make the championship game.

Have you ever noticed that pro football games are held on Saturday during the month of December. This is because there is no college football hogging the viewers - they don‘t play in December! Play the damn playoff games in December! And of course you can still have the Fiesta, Sugar, Orange, and Rose Bowls as part of the playoff system. Then the Bodog.com Bowl and Viagra Bowl can be played as sideline games to the playoff series on New Year’s Day just as they are now. And I’m sorry, I won’t accept any argument about the bowls bringing in too much money because revenue projections of a playoff system nearly double that of the current bowl system.

As much as I’d like to pawn this idea of college football playoffs off as my own, the truth of the matter is that there have been playoff proposals for longer than Joe Paterno’s coaching career (just kidding). Two arguments remain as the foundation for maintaining the current system with good old fashioned tradition topping the list. Anti-playoff folks claim they would be abandoning a rich history of college bowl games in lieu of quick gratification (isn‘t that the American way?). The second and much more practical reason, however less influential, is that college football players are in fact students and the season already takes them far enough away from school.

I could argue those points to some extent I suppose, but the truth is that the time will come when a playoff system exists in college football. Unfortunately that time is right next to never.


Give John Poole a BCS bid at poolejohn@gmail.com

Vote for Pedro

So I think I was about twenty years old before I realized there was more than one election every four years (Ok, I knew, but didn't really care). My memory from fourth grade government class was jogged when I was in college and there was a poster advertising the candidacy of a person running for State Representative of New Hampshire - it was the name of this candidate that boggled my mind more than anything. I swear to God I'm not lying about this - his name was Dick Swett. This particular election also featured a tight Governor race between Amanda Hump, Phil McAvity and the darkhorse Independent - Pat Myaz.

Since I'm registered to vote in Denver, I don't think I can vote in Eagle County, and if I can, don't even tell me because I'm not really into dealing with the whole thing. Ok, so I'm just another lazy American, but I did have enough raw ambition to pull up a website with the Eagle County Ballot and read through the candidates, referendums, and amendments on the bill.

They say that if you don't vote, you can't bitch. But what if you vote in the Presidential Election, but not in this interim stuff - can you still bitch about interim election topics and elects? While I'm waiting for "them" to get back to me on that I'm gonna go ahead and share some of my thoughts on some issues and elections that I found interesting on the Eagle County Ballot this year - and I'm not even going to address Amendment 43 (definition of marriage) because it is more asinine than a name like Ben Gurgen Hoffe.

Court of Appeals (Vote Yes or No)

Shall Judge Russell E. Carparelli of the Colorado Court of Appeals be retained in office?

Russ, Russ, Russ, did I tell you about the ticket I got while I was in the Eisenhower tunnel, just trying to keep up with traffic? What? That's not your County? I don't want hear excuses buddy, you're gone.

Regent of the University of Colorado - At Large (Vote for One)

Steven C. Ludwig
Brian Davidson
Daniel "Jefferson" Ong
Douglas "Dayhorse" Cambell
Marcus C. McCarty

Now I've heard of the University of Colorado at Boulder and at Denver, but at Large? Where's that? Oh well, I'll throw my two cents in at this Large place, it looks like they need a little direction. First of all, I'm immediately eliminating anyone with a name in quotation marks in between their first and last names. Then I'll go ahead and strike those two folk with a middle initial in their name. Are you guys too good to just go by two names like the rest of us? It looks like Davidson is my man. Congratulations Brian, you deserve it.

Sheriff (Vote for One)

Joseph Hoy
B. Scott Griffin

Ah, who cares? The mountain might get me but the law never will. Show me what you got Hoy.


Surveyor (Vote for One)

Dan Concoran

Vote for one? But there's only one guy on the Ballot? I refuse to partake. Isn't there more than one person in Eagle County that knows how to use a theodolite?

Amendment 44 (Vote Yes , No, or Too Stoned to See Straight)

Shall there be an amendment to section 18-18-406 (1) of the Colorado revised statutes making legal the possesion of one ounce or less of Marihuana (yes, that is how they spell it) for any person twenty-one years of age or older?

Boo-yah maaaahn. The streets will be full of pizza delivery cars with fogged up windows driving extremely slow.


Have fun at the polls. Let me know how it goes.


Send John Poole your absentee ballot at poolejohn@gmail.com.