Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia

It seems that every holiday season becomes more and more difficult to find the right gift for that brother-in-law that comes through every year for you with a twenty-five dollar gift certificate to Target. Well, this time around - you’re in luck. This year is extraordinary because after years of painful anticipation it is finally the twenty-five year anniversary of the Chia Pet. Thank God. This means it is acceptable to hand out Chia Pets to everyone on your list and not be cast as an incompetent gift-giver - all in the spirit of celebration.

You remember the Chia Pet right? It’s that little clay dog or groundhog or something (actually the first one was a ram, but who the hell knew that?) that grows some scientifically engineered plant matter out of its body. Now, with the marvels of modern technology, you can have your very own Chia Pet in the form of a Bunny, Frog, Hippo, Kitten, Pig, Puppy, or Turtle. And this year, you can get the commemorative Chia Head (that looks kind of like your brother-in-law) in celebration of the twenty-five year anniversary. What more could we ask for?

This display of amazing ingenuity first hit the market (as you can probably guess) back in 1982 by a company called Joseph Enterprises, Inc., and they‘ve been issuing new Chia‘s rather steadily ever since. I’d like to see the parent’s basement in which this company was based. Ironically, this Joseph Enterprise company also brought us the Clapper. You know, “Clap-On!…...Clap Off!”

Isn’t it crazy that the same son of a bitch that brought us the Chia Pet gave us the frickin’ Clapper? Hell, he probably invented the Craftmatic Adjustable Bed, the Pet Rock, and whatever was being advertised by that woman who screamed those hallowed words, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”

I got a Clapper for Christmas one year when I was kid. I asked for it too. I didn’t care that the target demographic was 85 years older than me; I watched enough daytime television at the time to realize this was about as cool as it could get. I rigged it up so all the lights and stereo in my room would go on with two claps. I even had the “Smart Clapper” (scary, I know) which could turn on different electronics by varying the number and sequence of claps. It was all downhill from there.

Even though we may not all be lucky enough to turn on our electronic paraphernalia with a couple of hand claps, we can breath a sigh of relief that our holiday shopping is now easier than ever - all that Christmas shopping anxiety has just gone right up the chimney. So go ahead and show up this year with a Chia for everyone - it’ll be ch-ch-ch-charming.


Clap on your computer and e-mail John Poole at poolejohn@gmail.com.