Irrelevant Discussion

The dog days of summer are upon us and so is the one holiday of the year that has the same name as the date on which it falls. This becomes particularly inconvenient when it falls midweek – how do we make a long weekend out of that?

I guess some people do call it Independence Day but I associate that more with a movie starring Will Smith, Bill Pullman, and a bunch of aliens trying to take over our unassuming planet. That movie was incredible back in 1996, but when I saw it again a few years ago and it sucked. What’s up with that? I guess movies with ex-stars of Spaceballs lose their luster after one viewing.

So my dilemma for this particular holiday is one of shear irrelevance. Of course you could argue that discussion of irrelevant topics does nothing but cause unnecessary stress, worry, and anxiety, but it could also cause increased mental stimulation. I usually opt out of the potential for the latter for fear of the former, but really what else do I have to do?

So what if we never had Independence Day? Not just the holiday, I mean if the whole damn thing never happened. That’s right, what if Benedict Arnold never threw that tea in the river or if Paul Revere never fired those first shots of the Revolution in Lexington, Virginia?

Ok, so my historical facts may be a bit off, but seriously, this easily could have happened. First of all, about a third of the colonists opposed even going to war. They were happy as clams sitting under the wing of the mother country (kind of like the mother-ship in Independence Day). Also, the Americans could have gone out and lost that war, in which case Britain would have remained in control of the colonies (at least for a while).

So if either of these two scenarios took place, would we be sitting here right now actually interested in the World Cup? Would we refer to dinner as “tea” or go out and hit a little ball around with a big flat board? Would we be more interested in the Pink Panther than Will Smith (or Bill Pullman)? Would we (God forbid) not be the World’s economic superpower?

Probably not, but it is kinda fun to think about. We probably would have weaseled our way out of British reign eventually, or the more likely situation would be that they would have become sick of dealing with our arrogant attitudes and just cut us loose. This definitely would have happened by the time bell-bottoms became popular out of shear disgust for our taste in fashion (did that start in Britain?).

The reality of the situation is that no one knows (and really, no one cares) what would have happened if John Hancock never threw down his John Hancock, but I do know that we would all be working on Tuesday the 4th.


Shoot me some fireworks at poolejohn@gmail.com